I had appointment number 3 yesterday. More of the questionaire. More indepth thinking. At one point the therapist asked me, "When was the last time you felt an emotion"? My reply, "I don't know." Of course this made her gasp and tell me that she could think of many emotions she'd already experienced today. In my mind I was thinking, "Good for you"!
The questionaire is not done yet. Just a bit more. All this probing has me walking out of her office feeling more like a monster each time. Not to mention the fact that obviously I don't know myself at all!
The theme, from my view, was pointing toward me not allowing myself to feel emotions. I busy myself with anything that will keep me from having to feel. Of course I don't see it this way. I've always considered myself to be an over emotional person and that it was one of my biggest flaws. Apparently I am delusional and actually a walking zombie!
There is the mention of wanting to know what I don't want to feel. All I can think is that when you open Pandora's Box there is no telling what you will find. Scenes from the movie, "The Exorcist", race through my mind. How can anything I don't want to feel be good? And why the hell would anyone want to unlock my box and drag all of that out? The thought is unsettling, to say the least.
There are aspects of my past that I recall. Some good; most bad. I will assume for now that the issues I have buried deep within me are worse than bad. I am guessing these are things I don't want to remember. All it will do it take what little positive memories I have of my childhood and turn them into shit. What good is that going to do me? And how will all this affect me? Not just emotionally, but spiritually and intellectually. Is this going to thrust me into a catatonic state of terror? Will I be disappointed? Right now I'm not sure I want to know. I do know that I need to do this. I need to work this shit out. I need to understand ME!
Now I am going to look up emotions and definitions for them online. I want to be able to describe what I'm feeling, right? And that means I need to know how to identify what I am feeling...sigh.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Session 2
Session 2 was yesterday. Nothing particularly interesting to write about. "SAW" is definitely strange. She took swigs of some sort of "alternative cough syrup" and talked about Chinese herbs she takes to help her stay well while the rest of the world has flu. A little paranoid if you ask me!
This session we went half-way through some sort of assestment she had. I imagine it was supposed to tell my thoughts and feelings about certain issues now so that she could look back over my answers at a later date to see if I was making any progress. I can see where this might be helpful for her to judge her performance as a therapist and mine as patient, but otherwise it was boring and a waste of mine and my partners time. I can't believe I paid money for that!
I didn't get the opportunity to go over with her all the wonderful things that had transpired during the week. That kinda sucked because I was excited to talk about it. She didn't even continue with some of the thoughts from the first session. How confusing!
I was much more relaxed this session, as was my partner. I am glad she decided to go with me. I think it will end up helping us both tremendously.
Today I'm battling a bout with a tummy problem and I'm finally bleeding. Yesterday was stressful for me at work and I came in today with the specific task of finding a solution to the problem that is driving me crazy.
This session we went half-way through some sort of assestment she had. I imagine it was supposed to tell my thoughts and feelings about certain issues now so that she could look back over my answers at a later date to see if I was making any progress. I can see where this might be helpful for her to judge her performance as a therapist and mine as patient, but otherwise it was boring and a waste of mine and my partners time. I can't believe I paid money for that!
I didn't get the opportunity to go over with her all the wonderful things that had transpired during the week. That kinda sucked because I was excited to talk about it. She didn't even continue with some of the thoughts from the first session. How confusing!
I was much more relaxed this session, as was my partner. I am glad she decided to go with me. I think it will end up helping us both tremendously.
Today I'm battling a bout with a tummy problem and I'm finally bleeding. Yesterday was stressful for me at work and I came in today with the specific task of finding a solution to the problem that is driving me crazy.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Second Chances?
Since my last post, many things have happened. I sat down with my partner and showed her 3 of the 4 CC statements online. Of course this made her aggrivated, which is understandable, but I do wish she could also see how difficult it was for me to EXPOSE myself. It's not that I don't understand her hurt and anger, and I also know that I shouldn't expect her to reward me for these small steps, but I would like to feel good coming out of it all. There is no way to take back what has already been done. I am trying. I am opening myself up to her and to the therapist. This is scary for me. I don't even know what I really want from her. Maybe it goes back to simply wanting her to acknowledge my efforts and to give me positive reinforcements. Is that too much to ask?
The day following showing her my CC info, I was surprised to be presented with a rather large bonus check for Christmas. I was shocked. There was enough money to completely pay off all 4 credit cards and have a few bucks left over! I was told that only 3 other people had recieved this hefty bonus. This translated into..."don't tell anyone". Fine with me! I just smiled all the way to the bank!
I called my partner, shared the exciting news and of course she said I should pay off the cards. I'd already planned to do this, so I really didn't need her to tell me. For some reason she must feel that I am a liar AND irresponsible. Not so! First thing the next morning, I paid the cards off! Done! The weight of the world off my shoulders! Although she did express her pleasure at my paying off the cards, she also took the opportunity to remind me that it wasn't the CC's that was the problem, but the lies. So again, my mood went down. It goes back to my feeling as if I can never do anything right, nor can I do anything to please her.
Friday was a great day as well. We had our company Christmas party where I won a $25 gift card to AMC movie theatres. That was another wonderful, positive thing to add to my list. Little did I know that there was more to come. Later, the President of the company handed out bonus checks to every employee in the company. Each employee received $5 for every month they have been employeed at the company. After taxes, I deposited $180! WOW! I felt on top of the world; like my luck was changing. I believe good things happen to good people. Considering that I was making an effor to change, good luck was on my side.
Does any of this make any difference with my problems? No. It just goes to show that I too have good days. That I am rewarded for doing an outstanding job. That I am respected in at least one arena of my life.
Tomorrow I meet with the therapist again. Let's see how she handles my progress. Or will she see it as less than progress and point out my problems?
Cest la vie!
The day following showing her my CC info, I was surprised to be presented with a rather large bonus check for Christmas. I was shocked. There was enough money to completely pay off all 4 credit cards and have a few bucks left over! I was told that only 3 other people had recieved this hefty bonus. This translated into..."don't tell anyone". Fine with me! I just smiled all the way to the bank!
I called my partner, shared the exciting news and of course she said I should pay off the cards. I'd already planned to do this, so I really didn't need her to tell me. For some reason she must feel that I am a liar AND irresponsible. Not so! First thing the next morning, I paid the cards off! Done! The weight of the world off my shoulders! Although she did express her pleasure at my paying off the cards, she also took the opportunity to remind me that it wasn't the CC's that was the problem, but the lies. So again, my mood went down. It goes back to my feeling as if I can never do anything right, nor can I do anything to please her.
Friday was a great day as well. We had our company Christmas party where I won a $25 gift card to AMC movie theatres. That was another wonderful, positive thing to add to my list. Little did I know that there was more to come. Later, the President of the company handed out bonus checks to every employee in the company. Each employee received $5 for every month they have been employeed at the company. After taxes, I deposited $180! WOW! I felt on top of the world; like my luck was changing. I believe good things happen to good people. Considering that I was making an effor to change, good luck was on my side.
Does any of this make any difference with my problems? No. It just goes to show that I too have good days. That I am rewarded for doing an outstanding job. That I am respected in at least one arena of my life.
Tomorrow I meet with the therapist again. Let's see how she handles my progress. Or will she see it as less than progress and point out my problems?
Cest la vie!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Therapy
I had my first appointment yesterday. The fact that I had a low fever and felt like shit probably helped me not to have an anxiety attack. Thank god for small favors.
I didn't know what to expect when I went to this therapist. I just wanted to START somewhere. My partner went with me, which was fine. I'd asked her before to join me so that she would be able to try to heal as well. I think she got more out of the therapy than I did, really. We went in together, stayed the entire session together and left, making another appointment.
For the majority of my life, I've heard various people say things to me like "you're living in a fantasy world", "but that IS a lie!", or "you've got to be kidding me!" None of this is new to my ears, but what does it all mean? I don't necessarily feel as if I live in a "fantasy world", nor do I always agree with other people's definitions of what a lie is.
I did become angry hearing the same shit again, and from a complete stranger. She used the words COMPULSIVE LIAR, which I already knew, but was a bit harder for me to swallow coming from someone else...someone who knows nothing about me.
Different emotions welled within me. It was as if I was a child again...as if it were THEM against ME. How can I get the help I need if I feel misunderstood from the very beginning? When my new therapist, the "stranger", sides with my partner and shows her pity from the beginning? When nothing I am saying matters?
Why is it that MY reality is called fantasy when it is the only reality I have ever known? How is it that I "didn't develop the conscience" to deal with this aspect of myself? How does that happen?? And how, at age 39, do I develop this conscience when I don't even know what it is?
Yes, I am confused...to say the least! It's not that I don't recognize that I have serious issues, but I don't know how to make them better. The last thing I want or need is to feel like more people are shoving fingers in my face, constantly pounding into my skull that there is something wrong with me. I'm not a bad person! I'm not a child! I'm not stupid!!
I ended up leaving with with lies, fantasy worlds, spending problems and identity issues flowing through my head. But, I will go back. And my partner will probably be with me. I am scared, I admit it. I have no idea what will surface once we start to dig.
I didn't know what to expect when I went to this therapist. I just wanted to START somewhere. My partner went with me, which was fine. I'd asked her before to join me so that she would be able to try to heal as well. I think she got more out of the therapy than I did, really. We went in together, stayed the entire session together and left, making another appointment.
For the majority of my life, I've heard various people say things to me like "you're living in a fantasy world", "but that IS a lie!", or "you've got to be kidding me!" None of this is new to my ears, but what does it all mean? I don't necessarily feel as if I live in a "fantasy world", nor do I always agree with other people's definitions of what a lie is.
I did become angry hearing the same shit again, and from a complete stranger. She used the words COMPULSIVE LIAR, which I already knew, but was a bit harder for me to swallow coming from someone else...someone who knows nothing about me.
Different emotions welled within me. It was as if I was a child again...as if it were THEM against ME. How can I get the help I need if I feel misunderstood from the very beginning? When my new therapist, the "stranger", sides with my partner and shows her pity from the beginning? When nothing I am saying matters?
Why is it that MY reality is called fantasy when it is the only reality I have ever known? How is it that I "didn't develop the conscience" to deal with this aspect of myself? How does that happen?? And how, at age 39, do I develop this conscience when I don't even know what it is?
Yes, I am confused...to say the least! It's not that I don't recognize that I have serious issues, but I don't know how to make them better. The last thing I want or need is to feel like more people are shoving fingers in my face, constantly pounding into my skull that there is something wrong with me. I'm not a bad person! I'm not a child! I'm not stupid!!
I ended up leaving with with lies, fantasy worlds, spending problems and identity issues flowing through my head. But, I will go back. And my partner will probably be with me. I am scared, I admit it. I have no idea what will surface once we start to dig.
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