Truth Be Told

Yawn

2007-01-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

The session this morning was boring. I think I prefer afternoon appointments when my therapist is more awake and aware lol. She has managed to misplace a goal sheet I did for her after the first visit. She kept asking me over and over if I was sure that she didn't return it to me. I kept telling her 'no'. Then she gives me this look that says to me that she's wondering if I am being honest with her. Yes. She's going to have to deal with it!

She gave me a breathing exercise to try when I feel a panic attack coming on and asked me to buy a notebook to keep track of my panic attacks, my eating schedule and other stuff. Fun.

I am supposed to carry this notebook everywhere and bring it in to every session. I'm sure it'll be helpful in some way. I guess I'll see.

No major changes yet in the increase of zoloft.

Medical History

2007-01-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

This weeks appointment was at 10 am instead of 5 pm. I'm not much for conversation early in the morning, but cest la vie, I can't have 5 pm appointments all the time. Apparently there are other people who need that time too. Bummer.

The session was pretty uneventful, in my opinion. We discussed what I knew of my medical history and detailed the issues at hand. The things that bother me most medically are my weight, my mental health, my dental health, etc.

So, nothing exciting to write about this week. Still no perfect "C" pr "S" poop to report!

Evaluation Conclusion

2007-01-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

The session yesterday was less emotional than last week. We finished the evaluation and the conclusion is that I'm apparently very depressed and have severe anxiety...DUH!! I could have told her that without all those questions!!

It was strange to me that the therapists first concern seemed to be whether or not I was still pissed off at her for last weeks session. I told her I wasn't. I mean, I bitched about it for a day and then it was over. I hadn't really given it much thought since. I wonder why she felt I would still harbor ill feelings toward her? She shouldn't flatter herself with such thoughts!

There were questions dealing with my emotional closeness to others. If I have friends. I think it was hard for her to believe that I'm not emotionally close to anybody other than my partner. And she even questioned that, asking if I was really emotionally close to my partner. I am, more than I ever have been with anyone else.

We discussed my need to be babied/nurtured like my mother used to do and the fact that it makes my partner uncomfortable. I don't mean for it to, but this is a need that I don't get met. Of course no one can take care of you better than your mother!

At one point the therapist asked my partner if my mention of my mother in the time that I am sick and need to be nurtured felt incestuous. This surprised both of us. I've never considered it that way. I've certainly never wanted it to come across that way.

We discussed the last time I drank alcohol, took illegal drugs, etc. I've been clean for some time, although I have traded my addiction to drugs to food. That is still a battle I am dealing with to this day.

We ended the session with me giving my therapist permission to contact my medical doctor concerning her evaluation and my medications. Next week we begin working on my medical evaluation...fun stuff.

The Fight Begins

2007-01-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

The session yesterday brought out many emotions. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and ready to fucking give up and die! This woman pushed every button she could, and yes, she finally got a reaction...tears.

So many things come to light during these sessions. Like the last session, I left again feeling like I am a monster, incapable of rehabilitation, a stranger to myself. I don't like feeling this way, nor would I imagine anyone else would, but deep inside me, I know this is going to help me in some way later on.

When pressed about my lies, about my justifying my lies, I came to realize that no matter what seemed to come out of my mouth, there was a lie in there somewhere. It knocked me back to those days as a teenager when V used to repeatedly call me a liar and I would not have any idea what the hell she was talking about. Just a word, or a phrase, a simple misuse of description, and I am a liar. I felt that familiar frustration rise in me yesterday. It was like a boiling anger at this woman sitting in front of me calling me a liar every time I said something. It was not my intention to lie! I don't know if it's that I am unable to express myself appropriately or what! V came out in my therapist yesterday and it made me hate her in those moments.

I understand that maybe her intentions were to push me to the point that she got some sort of emotional response out of me, and she did! Thing is, it thrust me back into the mind of that little girl so long ago that my thoughts were to give up, to die, to release those I love so that they can leave me without guilt and have a better life. It made me feel cold. And all that came to my mind...MONSTER!

I am a MONSTER...
I don't deserve love...
I don't deserve respect...
I don't deserve second chances...
I don't deserve to be trusted...
I don't deserve to live!

Uncovering

2006-12-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

I had appointment number 3 yesterday. More of the questionaire. More indepth thinking. At one point the therapist asked me, "When was the last time you felt an emotion"? My reply, "I don't know." Of course this made her gasp and tell me that she could think of many emotions she'd already experienced today. In my mind I was thinking, "Good for you"!

The questionaire is not done yet. Just a bit more. All this probing has me walking out of her office feeling more like a monster each time. Not to mention the fact that obviously I don't know myself at all!

The theme, from my view, was pointing toward me not allowing myself to feel emotions. I busy myself with anything that will keep me from having to feel. Of course I don't see it this way. I've always considered myself to be an over emotional person and that it was one of my biggest flaws. Apparently I am delusional and actually a walking zombie!

There is the mention of wanting to know what I don't want to feel. All I can think is that when you open Pandora's Box there is no telling what you will find. Scenes from the movie, "The Exorcist", race through my mind. How can anything I don't want to feel be good? And why the hell would anyone want to unlock my box and drag all of that out? The thought is unsettling, to say the least.

There are aspects of my past that I recall. Some good; most bad. I will assume for now that the issues I have buried deep within me are worse than bad. I am guessing these are things I don't want to remember. All it will do it take what little positive memories I have of my childhood and turn them into shit. What good is that going to do me? And how will all this affect me? Not just emotionally, but spiritually and intellectually. Is this going to thrust me into a catatonic state of terror? Will I be disappointed? Right now I'm not sure I want to know. I do know that I need to do this. I need to work this shit out. I need to understand ME!

Now I am going to look up emotions and definitions for them online. I want to be able to describe what I'm feeling, right? And that means I need to know how to identify what I am feeling...sigh.

Session 2

2006-12-20T14:34:00.000-05:00

Session 2 was yesterday. Nothing particularly interesting to write about. "SAW" is definitely strange. She took swigs of some sort of "alternative cough syrup" and talked about Chinese herbs she takes to help her stay well while the rest of the world has flu. A little paranoid if you ask me!

This session we went half-way through some sort of assestment she had. I imagine it was supposed to tell my thoughts and feelings about certain issues now so that she could look back over my answers at a later date to see if I was making any progress. I can see where this might be helpful for her to judge her performance as a therapist and mine as patient, but otherwise it was boring and a waste of mine and my partners time. I can't believe I paid money for that!

I didn't get the opportunity to go over with her all the wonderful things that had transpired during the week. That kinda sucked because I was excited to talk about it. She didn't even continue with some of the thoughts from the first session. How confusing!

I was much more relaxed this session, as was my partner. I am glad she decided to go with me. I think it will end up helping us both tremendously.

Today I'm battling a bout with a tummy problem and I'm finally bleeding. Yesterday was stressful for me at work and I came in today with the specific task of finding a solution to the problem that is driving me crazy.

Second Chances?

2006-12-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

Since my last post, many things have happened. I sat down with my partner and showed her 3 of the 4 CC statements online. Of course this made her aggrivated, which is understandable, but I do wish she could also see how difficult it was for me to EXPOSE myself. It's not that I don't understand her hurt and anger, and I also know that I shouldn't expect her to reward me for these small steps, but I would like to feel good coming out of it all. There is no way to take back what has already been done. I am trying. I am opening myself up to her and to the therapist. This is scary for me. I don't even know what I really want from her. Maybe it goes back to simply wanting her to acknowledge my efforts and to give me positive reinforcements. Is that too much to ask?

The day following showing her my CC info, I was surprised to be presented with a rather large bonus check for Christmas. I was shocked. There was enough money to completely pay off all 4 credit cards and have a few bucks left over! I was told that only 3 other people had recieved this hefty bonus. This translated into..."don't tell anyone". Fine with me! I just smiled all the way to the bank!

I called my partner, shared the exciting news and of course she said I should pay off the cards. I'd already planned to do this, so I really didn't need her to tell me. For some reason she must feel that I am a liar AND irresponsible. Not so! First thing the next morning, I paid the cards off! Done! The weight of the world off my shoulders! Although she did express her pleasure at my paying off the cards, she also took the opportunity to remind me that it wasn't the CC's that was the problem, but the lies. So again, my mood went down. It goes back to my feeling as if I can never do anything right, nor can I do anything to please her.

Friday was a great day as well. We had our company Christmas party where I won a $25 gift card to AMC movie theatres. That was another wonderful, positive thing to add to my list. Little did I know that there was more to come. Later, the President of the company handed out bonus checks to every employee in the company. Each employee received $5 for every month they have been employeed at the company. After taxes, I deposited $180! WOW! I felt on top of the world; like my luck was changing. I believe good things happen to good people. Considering that I was making an effor to change, good luck was on my side.

Does any of this make any difference with my problems? No. It just goes to show that I too have good days. That I am rewarded for doing an outstanding job. That I am respected in at least one arena of my life.

Tomorrow I meet with the therapist again. Let's see how she handles my progress. Or will she see it as less than progress and point out my problems?

Cest la vie!

Therapy

2006-12-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

I had my first appointment yesterday. The fact that I had a low fever and felt like shit probably helped me not to have an anxiety attack. Thank god for small favors.

I didn't know what to expect when I went to this therapist. I just wanted to START somewhere. My partner went with me, which was fine. I'd asked her before to join me so that she would be able to try to heal as well. I think she got more out of the therapy than I did, really. We went in together, stayed the entire session together and left, making another appointment.

For the majority of my life, I've heard various people say things to me like "you're living in a fantasy world", "but that IS a lie!", or "you've got to be kidding me!" None of this is new to my ears, but what does it all mean? I don't necessarily feel as if I live in a "fantasy world", nor do I always agree with other people's definitions of what a lie is.

I did become angry hearing the same shit again, and from a complete stranger. She used the words COMPULSIVE LIAR, which I already knew, but was a bit harder for me to swallow coming from someone else...someone who knows nothing about me.

Different emotions welled within me. It was as if I was a child again...as if it were THEM against ME. How can I get the help I need if I feel misunderstood from the very beginning? When my new therapist, the "stranger", sides with my partner and shows her pity from the beginning? When nothing I am saying matters?

Why is it that MY reality is called fantasy when it is the only reality I have ever known? How is it that I "didn't develop the conscience" to deal with this aspect of myself? How does that happen?? And how, at age 39, do I develop this conscience when I don't even know what it is?

Yes, I am confused...to say the least! It's not that I don't recognize that I have serious issues, but I don't know how to make them better. The last thing I want or need is to feel like more people are shoving fingers in my face, constantly pounding into my skull that there is something wrong with me. I'm not a bad person! I'm not a child! I'm not stupid!!

I ended up leaving with with lies, fantasy worlds, spending problems and identity issues flowing through my head. But, I will go back. And my partner will probably be with me. I am scared, I admit it. I have no idea what will surface once we start to dig.

Beginnings

2006-11-20T13:24:00.000-05:00

I cannot remember at what age I began telling lies. I remember being very young and telling lies to cover my ass when I did something wrong. It was always something stupid too. Did I drink all the Pepsi? No, of course not. In reality, yes, I did.

At that age, I still didn't realize that I would eventually get caught and my lie would be brought to the surface and I would be confronted with it. And naturally, being confronted led to more denial on my part and more frustration and anger on the part of those around me.

I am not sure when my "little white lies" turned into grand lies. I have a couple of early memories of specific lies that may help me understand why this habit continued into adulthood.

My parents were old enough to be my grandparents. I was adopted. For whatever reason, I didn't want other kids to know my parents were so old, so I would tell them my parents were my grandparents. Of course this lie was quickly brought to the surface when the other kids in the neighborhood told everyone my "grandparents" were really my parents. There was teasing, and the usual cruel kid bantering. I remember the fear and anxiety this caused me. But still, I can't understand WHY I lied in the first place.

Another grand lie was that the young man who came by once a week to mow our yard was actually my brother. Even though neighborhood kids knew this wasn't true, I still insisted that he was in fact my brother. He wasn't. My adopted family consisted of girls only; two older sisters who were already married and out of the house by the time I was born.

These sorts of lies always ended with everyone laughing at me and calling me a liar, among other things. If I didn't already feel isolated enough, the lies made it worse. Word quickly got around and while still in elementry school, I had gained a reputation as a liar.

I look back at these two lies in particular because I seek to find a reason to my madness. I wan't comfortable with myself, even though as a child I didn't understand what that meant. I was a heavy child and kids tended to make fun of me for that as well. So my "storytelling" began to get bigger and bigger in an attempt to make somebody, anybody like me. Of course it didn't work, and you would think I would have learned from my lesson, but no, I am still fighting the effects of my lies today!

I ask myself, what was different about me than the other kids? I was adopted. My parents were older. I was heavy. I had an active immagination. I saw what other kids my age had and somehow realized I didn't have the same. What made me feel so different? There are so many questions that I am not sure I will ever find answers.

Definition

2006-11-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

Compulsive lying is a common disorder often caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention. Often, the liar does not realize how often he or she is lying because it becomes second nature or habit (indeed, it is often referred to as habitual lying).

Compulsive lying alienates friends and loved ones and often brings about the opposite of what the liar wants: instead of getting the attention they often crave, they end up pushing people away. With therapy, many people can overcome their compulsion to lie and salvage their interpersonal relationships before it is too late.

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I AM A COMPULSIVE LIAR.

This is my first step toward healing myself and those I have harmed with my lies. I am admitting that I have a serious problem; I am a compulsive liar.

This blog will chronicle my journey toward understanding my compulsion, healing, and restoring my life. My hope is that this will help others who suffer from the life-destroying effects of lies.