Second Chances?

Since my last post, many things have happened. I sat down with my partner and showed her 3 of the 4 CC statements online. Of course this made her aggrivated, which is understandable, but I do wish she could also see how difficult it was for me to EXPOSE myself. It's not that I don't understand her hurt and anger, and I also know that I shouldn't expect her to reward me for these small steps, but I would like to feel good coming out of it all. There is no way to take back what has already been done. I am trying. I am opening myself up to her and to the therapist. This is scary for me. I don't even know what I really want from her. Maybe it goes back to simply wanting her to acknowledge my efforts and to give me positive reinforcements. Is that too much to ask?

The day following showing her my CC info, I was surprised to be presented with a rather large bonus check for Christmas. I was shocked. There was enough money to completely pay off all 4 credit cards and have a few bucks left over! I was told that only 3 other people had recieved this hefty bonus. This translated into..."don't tell anyone". Fine with me! I just smiled all the way to the bank!

I called my partner, shared the exciting news and of course she said I should pay off the cards. I'd already planned to do this, so I really didn't need her to tell me. For some reason she must feel that I am a liar AND irresponsible. Not so! First thing the next morning, I paid the cards off! Done! The weight of the world off my shoulders! Although she did express her pleasure at my paying off the cards, she also took the opportunity to remind me that it wasn't the CC's that was the problem, but the lies. So again, my mood went down. It goes back to my feeling as if I can never do anything right, nor can I do anything to please her.

Friday was a great day as well. We had our company Christmas party where I won a $25 gift card to AMC movie theatres. That was another wonderful, positive thing to add to my list. Little did I know that there was more to come. Later, the President of the company handed out bonus checks to every employee in the company. Each employee received $5 for every month they have been employeed at the company. After taxes, I deposited $180! WOW! I felt on top of the world; like my luck was changing. I believe good things happen to good people. Considering that I was making an effor to change, good luck was on my side.

Does any of this make any difference with my problems? No. It just goes to show that I too have good days. That I am rewarded for doing an outstanding job. That I am respected in at least one arena of my life.

Tomorrow I meet with the therapist again. Let's see how she handles my progress. Or will she see it as less than progress and point out my problems?

Cest la vie!