Therapy

I had my first appointment yesterday. The fact that I had a low fever and felt like shit probably helped me not to have an anxiety attack. Thank god for small favors.

I didn't know what to expect when I went to this therapist. I just wanted to START somewhere. My partner went with me, which was fine. I'd asked her before to join me so that she would be able to try to heal as well. I think she got more out of the therapy than I did, really. We went in together, stayed the entire session together and left, making another appointment.

For the majority of my life, I've heard various people say things to me like "you're living in a fantasy world", "but that IS a lie!", or "you've got to be kidding me!" None of this is new to my ears, but what does it all mean? I don't necessarily feel as if I live in a "fantasy world", nor do I always agree with other people's definitions of what a lie is.

I did become angry hearing the same shit again, and from a complete stranger. She used the words COMPULSIVE LIAR, which I already knew, but was a bit harder for me to swallow coming from someone else...someone who knows nothing about me.

Different emotions welled within me. It was as if I was a child again...as if it were THEM against ME. How can I get the help I need if I feel misunderstood from the very beginning? When my new therapist, the "stranger", sides with my partner and shows her pity from the beginning? When nothing I am saying matters?

Why is it that MY reality is called fantasy when it is the only reality I have ever known? How is it that I "didn't develop the conscience" to deal with this aspect of myself? How does that happen?? And how, at age 39, do I develop this conscience when I don't even know what it is?

Yes, I am confused...to say the least! It's not that I don't recognize that I have serious issues, but I don't know how to make them better. The last thing I want or need is to feel like more people are shoving fingers in my face, constantly pounding into my skull that there is something wrong with me. I'm not a bad person! I'm not a child! I'm not stupid!!

I ended up leaving with with lies, fantasy worlds, spending problems and identity issues flowing through my head. But, I will go back. And my partner will probably be with me. I am scared, I admit it. I have no idea what will surface once we start to dig.