Uncovering

I had appointment number 3 yesterday. More of the questionaire. More indepth thinking. At one point the therapist asked me, "When was the last time you felt an emotion"? My reply, "I don't know." Of course this made her gasp and tell me that she could think of many emotions she'd already experienced today. In my mind I was thinking, "Good for you"!

The questionaire is not done yet. Just a bit more. All this probing has me walking out of her office feeling more like a monster each time. Not to mention the fact that obviously I don't know myself at all!

The theme, from my view, was pointing toward me not allowing myself to feel emotions. I busy myself with anything that will keep me from having to feel. Of course I don't see it this way. I've always considered myself to be an over emotional person and that it was one of my biggest flaws. Apparently I am delusional and actually a walking zombie!

There is the mention of wanting to know what I don't want to feel. All I can think is that when you open Pandora's Box there is no telling what you will find. Scenes from the movie, "The Exorcist", race through my mind. How can anything I don't want to feel be good? And why the hell would anyone want to unlock my box and drag all of that out? The thought is unsettling, to say the least.

There are aspects of my past that I recall. Some good; most bad. I will assume for now that the issues I have buried deep within me are worse than bad. I am guessing these are things I don't want to remember. All it will do it take what little positive memories I have of my childhood and turn them into shit. What good is that going to do me? And how will all this affect me? Not just emotionally, but spiritually and intellectually. Is this going to thrust me into a catatonic state of terror? Will I be disappointed? Right now I'm not sure I want to know. I do know that I need to do this. I need to work this shit out. I need to understand ME!

Now I am going to look up emotions and definitions for them online. I want to be able to describe what I'm feeling, right? And that means I need to know how to identify what I am feeling...sigh.