*Yawn*

The session this morning was boring. I think I prefer afternoon appointments when my therapist is more awake and aware lol. She has managed to misplace a goal sheet I did for her after the first visit. She kept asking me over and over if I was sure that she didn't return it to me. I kept telling her 'no'. Then she gives me this look that says to me that she's wondering if I am being honest with her. Yes. She's going to have to deal with it!

She gave me a breathing exercise to try when I feel a panic attack coming on and asked me to buy a notebook to keep track of my panic attacks, my eating schedule and other stuff. Fun.

I am supposed to carry this notebook everywhere and bring it in to every session. I'm sure it'll be helpful in some way. I guess I'll see.

No major changes yet in the increase of zoloft.

Medical History

This weeks appointment was at 10 am instead of 5 pm. I'm not much for conversation early in the morning, but cest la vie, I can't have 5 pm appointments all the time. Apparently there are other people who need that time too. Bummer.

The session was pretty uneventful, in my opinion. We discussed what I knew of my medical history and detailed the issues at hand. The things that bother me most medically are my weight, my mental health, my dental health, etc.

So, nothing exciting to write about this week. Still no perfect "C" pr "S" poop to report!

Evaluation Conclusion

The session yesterday was less emotional than last week. We finished the evaluation and the conclusion is that I'm apparently very depressed and have severe anxiety...DUH!! I could have told her that without all those questions!!

It was strange to me that the therapists first concern seemed to be whether or not I was still pissed off at her for last weeks session. I told her I wasn't. I mean, I bitched about it for a day and then it was over. I hadn't really given it much thought since. I wonder why she felt I would still harbor ill feelings toward her? She shouldn't flatter herself with such thoughts!

There were questions dealing with my emotional closeness to others. If I have friends. I think it was hard for her to believe that I'm not emotionally close to anybody other than my partner. And she even questioned that, asking if I was really emotionally close to my partner. I am, more than I ever have been with anyone else.

We discussed my need to be babied/nurtured like my mother used to do and the fact that it makes my partner uncomfortable. I don't mean for it to, but this is a need that I don't get met. Of course no one can take care of you better than your mother!

At one point the therapist asked my partner if my mention of my mother in the time that I am sick and need to be nurtured felt incestuous. This surprised both of us. I've never considered it that way. I've certainly never wanted it to come across that way.

We discussed the last time I drank alcohol, took illegal drugs, etc. I've been clean for some time, although I have traded my addiction to drugs to food. That is still a battle I am dealing with to this day.

We ended the session with me giving my therapist permission to contact my medical doctor concerning her evaluation and my medications. Next week we begin working on my medical evaluation...fun stuff.

The Fight Begins

The session yesterday brought out many emotions. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and ready to fucking give up and die! This woman pushed every button she could, and yes, she finally got a reaction...tears.

So many things come to light during these sessions. Like the last session, I left again feeling like I am a monster, incapable of rehabilitation, a stranger to myself. I don't like feeling this way, nor would I imagine anyone else would, but deep inside me, I know this is going to help me in some way later on.

When pressed about my lies, about my justifying my lies, I came to realize that no matter what seemed to come out of my mouth, there was a lie in there somewhere. It knocked me back to those days as a teenager when V used to repeatedly call me a liar and I would not have any idea what the hell she was talking about. Just a word, or a phrase, a simple misuse of description, and I am a liar. I felt that familiar frustration rise in me yesterday. It was like a boiling anger at this woman sitting in front of me calling me a liar every time I said something. It was not my intention to lie! I don't know if it's that I am unable to express myself appropriately or what! V came out in my therapist yesterday and it made me hate her in those moments.

I understand that maybe her intentions were to push me to the point that she got some sort of emotional response out of me, and she did! Thing is, it thrust me back into the mind of that little girl so long ago that my thoughts were to give up, to die, to release those I love so that they can leave me without guilt and have a better life. It made me feel cold. And all that came to my mind...MONSTER!

I am a MONSTER...
I don't deserve love...
I don't deserve respect...
I don't deserve second chances...
I don't deserve to be trusted...
I don't deserve to live!