The session yesterday brought out many emotions. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and ready to fucking give up and die! This woman pushed every button she could, and yes, she finally got a reaction...tears.
So many things come to light during these sessions. Like the last session, I left again feeling like I am a monster, incapable of rehabilitation, a stranger to myself. I don't like feeling this way, nor would I imagine anyone else would, but deep inside me, I know this is going to help me in some way later on.
When pressed about my lies, about my justifying my lies, I came to realize that no matter what seemed to come out of my mouth, there was a lie in there somewhere. It knocked me back to those days as a teenager when V used to repeatedly call me a liar and I would not have any idea what the hell she was talking about. Just a word, or a phrase, a simple misuse of description, and I am a liar. I felt that familiar frustration rise in me yesterday. It was like a boiling anger at this woman sitting in front of me calling me a liar every time I said something. It was not my intention to lie! I don't know if it's that I am unable to express myself appropriately or what! V came out in my therapist yesterday and it made me hate her in those moments.
I understand that maybe her intentions were to push me to the point that she got some sort of emotional response out of me, and she did! Thing is, it thrust me back into the mind of that little girl so long ago that my thoughts were to give up, to die, to release those I love so that they can leave me without guilt and have a better life. It made me feel cold. And all that came to my mind...MONSTER!
I am a MONSTER...
I don't deserve love...
I don't deserve respect...
I don't deserve second chances...
I don't deserve to be trusted...
I don't deserve to live!
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